Brian and I have the goofiest humor.

We get to a stop light and I look over at the corner. There's a teenage boy with long hair, on a purple bike, eating a slice of pizza and holding the entire pizza box.

I nudge Brian and say, "Look at that guy with the pizza."

And we both kind of stare, and then our light turns and we watch him as we are turning. He looks so ... simple there, just holding the box, staring off into space.

We look at each other and say, "That'll do, Pig. That'll do."

Hahahaha. Dorks.
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My besty best friend, Ali, said she gave her job notice and she is for sure coming home by September! AND she's going to be here on the fourth of July. There really isn't any word I can think of that describes how incredibly excited I am by her returning to Oregon. It's been like, 8 years.

I adore this crazy fool:



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Kids walked in the Junior Rose Parade today (pretty big parade, surprisingly) with their nature scout group. Ciara was floating on clouds and prancing with unicorns in rainbows over the whole thing. I've never seen anyone wave as hard and as long as she did. For 2 miles. Oliver? He waved his pom around and kinda hollered, "Parade. We are in a parade. Parade," for a few minutes. Then he got out a snack and stared at all the people going by as I pulled him in the wagon. Then he laid down. These two are so different.




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FUNNY
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Vanity: I got a new swimsuit tonight and my body looks bangin' in it.
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Do you ever Google sayings just to make sure they are real and not something you made up and think is real?

I think I do that like, 4 times a day.

From a book I just finished - Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh:

When we look at the vast ocean, we see many waves. We may describe them as high or low, big or small, vigorous or less vigorous, but these terms cannot be applied to water. In the Lotus Sutra, the wave is described as being in the historical dimension, while water is in the ultimate dimension. From the standpoint of the wave, of history, there is birth and there is death, but these are just signs. The wave is, at the same time, water. If the wave only sees itself as a wave, it will be frightened to death. The wave must look deeply into herself in order to realize that she is, at the same time, water. If we take away the water, the wave cannot be; and if we remove the waves, there will be no water. Wave is water, and water is wave. They belong to different levels of being. We cannot compare the two. The words and concepts that are ascribed to the wave cannot be ascribed to water.

Perfection is for the wave to exist in both realms simultaneously. When you touch deeply the historical dimension, you touch the ultimate dimension, and when you have touched the ultimate dimension, you have not left the historical dimension.

When you step into the Avatamsaka realm—the realm of the ultimate dimension—you realize that touching the water is wonderful, but it does not mean the wave has vanished. The wave is always the water. If you try to touch only the wave and not the water, you will suffer from fear of birth and death and many other afflictions. But if you look deeply into yourself and realize that you are the water, all fear and afflictions will vanish. Touching the water, you also touch the wave.

One autumn day, I was practicing walking meditation. The leaves were falling just like rain. I stepped on one leaf, picked it up, looked at it, and smiled, realizing that that leaf has always been there. Every autumn the leaves fall, and every spring they re-manifest themselves. They stay throughout the summer, and then in autumn, they fall to the ground again. They are playing hide-and-seek, pretending to die and to be reborn, but it is not true. When I looked deeply into the leaf, I saw that it was not just one leaf, just as the Buddha is not just one person. The Buddha is, at the same time, everywhere.

We learn that in the Avatamsaka and Lotus Sutras. We are simultaneously everywhere, in all times. You can touch the leaf in the historical dimension or the ultimate dimension; it is up to you. The practice of the Lotus Sutra is to touch yourself, the leaf, and the tree in the ultimate dimension.

When you touch the wave, you touch the water at the same time. That is our practice. If you are with a group of friends practicing mindfulness while sitting, walking, or drinking tea, you will be able to touch the ultimate dimension while living in the historical dimension. Your fear, anxiety, and anger will be transformed easily when you are not confined by the waves, when you are able to touch the water at the same time.

When I picked up the leaf that day, I saw that the leaf was pretending to be born in the springtime and pretending to die at the end of autumn. We too appear, manifest to help living beings, including ourselves, and then disappear.

We have within us a miraculous power, and if we live our daily lives in mindfulness, with love and care, we can produce the miracle and transform our world into a miraculous place to live. Taking steps slowly, in mindfulness, is an act of liberation. You walk and you free yourself of all worries, anxieties, projects, and attachments. One step like this has the power to liberate you from all afflictions. Just being there, you transform yourself, and your compassion will bear witness. The energy of compassion in you will transform life and make it more beautiful. This is a deep practice, taught in the Avatamsaka and Lotus Sutras.

This video is hilarious to me:



Brian and I do the WHAT thing with the kids. We will say it 5 or 6 times, and they will repeat themselves every time. Hahahahah.
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Did I mention this last month? I can't remember anything I write about. Any way, I got an IUD at the end of April. It was so shitty the first 5 or 6 days. I was in pain, my uterus was PISSED. I was so bloated, and every time I sat down I could feel it in there pushing up into my organs or something nasty like that. But then it chilled out, and now I can't feel it at all. I'm getting ready to start my first real copper IUD period, which I've heard is like a bloodbath, complete with raging cramps. Should be entertaining, at least.
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Since melissa_maples mentioned she did this over the last year, I thought I'd give it a whirl: a year of self-photos. I like to think of taking self photos like great artists painting themselves. Then it doesn't seem so vain. I think I learn the most from photography when I am photographing myself.

( Day 1 and 2 )

Kids this morning being terrors in the bathroom:



They are so bi-polar when it comes to their relationship. I hate you, now let's play, weee! They were calling each other dumb stupid bastards over and over earlier, and I told them to stop it, and Oliver says, "Moooom! We are just talking to each other." I said, "Well, I have to listen to it and it puts me in a foul mood! Not to mention it's annoying!"
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Ugh, I ate a flippin' donut a little bit ago and I can feel it making disgusting sugary laps around my stomach. And I can feel sugar in my sinuses!
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Posted on FB in reply to people commenting on advice, giving advice politely, other people feeling like they are being judged, etc:

I hardly have enough time to organize my own mind and life, so I really don't care what anyone else is doing. I don't bother with advice mostly, because if it is wanted, it is asked for. If it's not asked for, it is likely the person won't do anything with the advice in the first place so it's a waste of everyone's time.

Like someone up there said - we're all going through our own lives, and we are all suffering in some way. If something that someone says bothers you, maybe ask yourself why it is bothering you?

But like I've said before, I am really totally black hearted, and things other people do do not bother me. In the end, I think it's a waste of time to allow someone else to bother you. Move on and wish them well.

Backed up on things to talk about so I will just bullet point this shit to knock it out and move on:

Wish I could go to Beloved, but eesh, almost $400 tickets for two adults is a bit ridic.

This weekend at the Bhangra dance party, they had this chick doing tribal fusion bellydance stuff. It was like popnlocking with bellydancing. Magical.

Brian bought me a singing bowl and it is amazing and blows my mind. I want to get really good at it.

Hardcore into working on my goals right now. I have crossed many off my list this year so far - way more than past years

Saw my doctor and I've graduated up to appointments every few months now, instead of monthly. Quote Max, "You are like a textbook example of Fibromyalgia recovery."

I bruised the ever loving shit out of my legs doing myofascial trigger point release on my thighs a few weeks back. I have had trigger points in there for 2 years now, and they keep having babies and it was getting terrible to deal with. I stopped doing to release work after I saw the bruises and thought I would try it again when they were gone. When the bruises finally left, I checked my trigger points and THEY DIDNT HURT ANYMORE. Can I get a fuck yeah?

Found my great aunt Leona (mom's dad's sister - the grandfather who is MIA) on FB. She gave me contact info for my grandfather. My mom said she is going to call him, after not talking since she was 16!! I can't imagine what that would feel like.

I did a yoga class last week for the first time. I love it and I am good at it! I am so bendy that I figured I could do it pretty well. I kept up for the whole hour, and could do all the advanced poses and hold them the whole time. My body was effed the next day, though! But in a good way. Put a hold on a book at the library about yoga and all the poses so I can practice at home

As of Saturday, I have lost roughly 30lbs since February. I went from a size 8 to a size 2 in pants. Whaaaaaaaaaaa? I haven't been a size 2 since I was 15. I kept some shorts from that time, because they were my favorites and Brian always loved them. I kept them and told myself one day I could fit into them again. I try them on every year and they never fit. Like, it was a joke how they didn't fit. A few weeks ago, I brought them home and tried them on and they were LOOSE! Holy shit. I don't feel that thin, but people keep telling me I am tiny and they don't recognize me. I'm glad my hard work is paying off finally, for whatever reason this time.

WE GOT A KITTEN! His name is ZB Chebarski (named after Brian's old boss). He's the perfect cat. Honestly. He is funny, way too smart for his own good, he purrs, he's super fluffy and soft, he sleeps with me and the kids, likes playing with the kids, and he uses the litter box 100% of the time. I love him bunches already.

I've been going to the Bhangra/Bollywood dance parties every other weekend and I love it. I am having so much fun, and every time I go I think I get better and better. Last time, a guy tapped me on the shoulder and told me I should be on the stage because I was one of the best dancers there. I go up on stage occasionally, but usually when there are other people up there. I said thanks, but I am not that good! He grabbed a girl and said, "She'll go with you!" So I went up there and felt really fab the rest of the night.

Did I mention my hair cut last time? Can't recall, but I got an amazing (expensive!) hair cut and dye a few weeks back. Layered and with dark dark brown underneath.

I have been working on my Buddhist practice, and am focusing on Zen Buddhism. Found a temple I really like and I plan on attending their regular group meditation and hopefully get the kids into their dharma school.

Started back at work last week (cafe/bar above the marina) and made $100 in 5 hours. Woohoo! Love it there. Where else can I hang with all the live aboards, bs, drink after work with my co-workers and bosses, and get complimented and appreciated? No place I have ever worked at!

Kids have been sick for the last two months. SO over it. Ciara has thrown up about 12 times today. Brian threw up twice. I don't want any part of that business.

Went to the Life is Good unschooling conference this weekend. Was good and eh at the same time. Wasn't much I cared to really go and listen to, and the kids were sick most of the weekend, so I wasn't really there. Oliver barfed twice in the hotel (lobby and hall). I thought it was carsickness the first time, and the second time I realized I was wrong. Ciara participated in the talent show, surprisingly. I thought she wouldn't be interested, but she signed herself up and went 3 times (yo-yoing, "playing" the piano, and fake martial arts with her friends). She hounded the talent show people to go a fourth time and they said she would have to wait until the other 30 kids had their time to go for the first time. She wouldn't leave them alone about it, and they looked at me like, "Dude, what is with your kid?!" I was like, "Yeah, she's like that about everything." She also scammed about $20 out of people there by just going up to strangers and saying, "Do you have a dollar?" Every time I turned around, she had a wad of cash and food from the vending machine.

My besty best best friend, Ali, said she is coming home whether she has a job or not at the end of August! I'm stoked. I have missed her for way too long.
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Crazy thunderstorm cloud coming right at us from across the river




Oliver trying to 'scare' the older kids.


Aww, beeb kitty.


The many emotions Ciara experiences within a minute when she finds out she cannot have a squirrel for a pet. First - sadness.


Frustration


Anger


Acceptance


Found I had TWO uncles that were unrelated (great grandfather's brother, and great grandmother's brother) that were both in this place in 1920. How weird, right? One was 14 and the other was 20. They dusted, hung laundry and made beds. Sad. Supposedly, there were a ton of people sterilized in this place during that time.


BOAT CAT!


My hair!

I have been putting off writing in here, because my to do list has been long lately, and writing here feels like it will take a long time, but in reality, it rarely does. I don't know what block I have against writing regularly. I used to be able to write short posts, but now I feel like I have to have lots to talk about for it to be worthwhile.

Any how, I have been busy doing things, but not really going to a lot of places. The kids have been sick, a lot the last few weeks, so I have been home much of the time.

I had my Paragard IUD (the copper one) put in last Friday. The insertion went relatively well, though it did hurt enough to clench my hands and really want it to stop. I was really shaky and having cold sweats afterward, so I stuck around for 10 minutes until I felt ready to drive.

I had a fair amount of cramping that night, and a general feeling that something was inside me. It felt like something was poking my stomach. But Brian and I still went out to this dive bar with his brother and new girlfriend so I could meet her, and we sang karaoke. Was my first time doing karaoke before, but it wasn't too bad. I wasn't even drinking and still did it. I did stay in my seat though, because I felt too woozy to stand and sing. I sang Tainted Love and Silent All These Years. Wanted to sing Comedown by Bush, but we ran out of time and had to dash to get the kids since my friend was only able to watch them for a couple hours.

The next few days were honestly really shitty. I sat and laid down with a heating pad all day. Saturday, the day right after, I barely got out of bed. Me, the one who is used to being in pain. It felt like I was having the worst period in the world, but not bleeding. I was SO bloated, and my uterus felt bigger and hard.

Next day was less of the same stuff, and the day after better. I didn't start feeling all better until yesterday. Hopefully, that will be the last of that, and I can have mostly worry free birth control. I've got to wait and see how my period will be. It seems many women have really bad bleeding and cramps with the copper one.
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I went with some friends to a free Pranic Healing clinic last night. We all had never done it before, except they had experience with reiki. I knew it was energy healing, and that was about it.

We did some body exercises to sort of warm up and then guided meditation for about 15 minutes. The meditation was really intense, and I started getting hot and I could not sit still. I was fidgeting, shaking, and pretty much freaking out. I kept opening my eyes, and everyone else looked calm as a cucumber. We did some focusing on chakras, and once we got to the heart chakra, I had this very vivid vision of my heart enclosed by glass, and I was pulling layers of paper off the glass to get to it. I was really frustrated in the vision, and felt like I had this huge task to accomplish.

It was interesting, because the focus I wanted to take that night was on my heart chakra, because I have had a build up of tension in there over the last few months, and I haven't figured out what it is from.

The lady who did the healing was really nice. I had to share her with my friend Heather, because there was not enough healers for everyone. She did heather first, and was very quiet with her, only asking her a few questions. When she got to me, we talked through the whole thing. About my life, her life, and what other work I have been doing.

I didn't feel anything much while it was going on or after. The meditation did a lot more for me. I'll have to keep doing that.

We stopped at a pub to talk, and Brian texted me to say that our friend Devon fell off a ladder and broke his back, and could I please come home so he can go to the hospital. So awful!! But Brian said Devon can move his legs and everything else and he was talking sort of okay, just drugged up. Brian said he seemed to be doing great for someone who just broke his back.
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I started reading Wild Feminine today, and I am mad I didn't start it 2 weeks ago when I checked it out. It's really blowing my mind. I have dog eared almost half the pages so that I can copy stuff down after I am done.

Here's one exercise that I thought was interesting, and one I could share:

The primary emotion associated with my experience as a woman: happiness
I think I feel this way because: I can create amazing things with my body!
I often find myself feeling: blocked
I rarely feel: content
I allow myself to express: my opinion
I suppress the emotional state of: my soul
The women in my family often feel/felt: unable to communicate
The men in my family primarily express/expressed: negativity
Others would describe my typical emotional state as: calm



I can't help it. Whenever I think of Björk, I think:


And whenever I think of Space Ghost, I think:

Okay so a few weeks ago, remember where I found a relative on Facebook who is related to my mom's dad's side?

I talked to the lady's father in law, who is, I believe, my second cousin once removed. We talked for a good half an hour, and he gave me some information and some stuff to go on to get in touch with other people in this line.

And then he says, "Oh, I have a picture of my mom's parents on their wedding day." His mom, Clelia, is my great aunt. So, the parents are my great great grandparents! I asked excitedly if he could send me a copy somehow and he says, "Oh, I'll just take a picture of it and email you."

So, tonight I check my email, and he's already sent it.

AND a picture of the whole family (minus one little sister that wasn't born yet). This is the only picture I have ever seen of my great grandmother. This is the family that has been in the dark my whole life, that I never knew anything about. Finally discovered Inez a few months ago, and now I get to see them. I can't wait to share this with my mom and sister.

I am very happy :)


Egidio and Felicita Tanferani on their wedding day, April 6, 1909.


Felicita and Egidio Tanferani with their children. Left to right (children): Clelia, Inez, Eligio, Amerigo (Buck), and Angelo. Alma wasn't born yet.